I Need My Parents' to Notice Me MORE...Love Bites with Lifestyle Coach Francesca Luca

This week’s Love Bites question: It feels like my parents always center everything around my sister, like her life matters more by default.  Even when I have something going on it gets pushed aside the moment she’s in the picture. How do I deal with constantly feeling like the afterthought in my own family?

Siblings often joke about being Mom’s favorite but parents playing favorites is no joking matter.  This kind of preferential treatment has a way of carrying a feeling of unworthiness onto other relationships because your underlying question become, “will I ever be good enough?” 

It creates sadness, anger and eventually if it is continuous, it is not uncommon to disconnect completely and that will then cause feelings of isolation.  The problem is when we believe we don’t measure up, it then stops us from ever attaining that love that we so much want and more important, need.

Some things I would recommend considering.  It is likely that your parents aren’t doing this out of malicious intent.  It’s important to be careful who you discuss this with.  People come from a different frame of reference and your feelings are yours, and yours alone. 

Unfortunately, parental favoritism causes competitiveness among siblings which ultimately leads to a fragmented relationship.  This can have far reaching damage particularly if it is just you and your sister. 

If you are having conflicted feelings such as being seriously annoyed one day and the next day questioning if you are just being overly sensitive, it’s time to discuss this with your parents.

Help them to see that this is a real problem for you and let them know how this is affecting your self-worth.  Watch for triggers.  Notice rather than respond.  Your communication with your parents will have a better chance if you stay focused and calm remembering that feeling disregarded is not a barometer of your value.  Understand though that your parents are human and come from their own frame of reference.  They may be limited in what you are trying to communicate to them. That can make it tricky when they don’t see it and then you further question whether it’s “all in your head”.  I always say, if it’s in your head, well, what a place for it to be, right? You don’t want to be carrying this baggage around.

If your conversation falls on deaf ears you need to look elsewhere for validation starting with yourself. What do you think makes you special?  Do you have some things that you are proud of accomplishing?  Own that you are unique and valuable.  

If this continues, consider seeing a professional counselor who may help you sort through your feelings as well as a resolution.