YOU FEEL IT IN YOUR GUT, BUT HOW DO YOU REALLY KNOW IF YOUR PARTNER IS CHEATING?

Most of the time… the signs are there.

Warning signs stretch out miles behind you—long before the moment of truth arrives.

But before we dive into the clues and gut instincts, let’s ask a foundational question:

What is cheating, exactly?

I got a Facebook question recently:
“Is having a friend of the opposite sex—someone you share a deep emotional connection with—considered cheating?”

The short answer? Sometimes, yes.

There’s a clear difference between a genuine friendship and what’s called emotional cheating (aka, an emotional affair).
Here’s how to tell:

• Are you fully disclosing this connection to your partner?

• Have you had a romantic or intimate history with this person? (Big one!)

• Is there mutual attraction—spoken or unspoken?

• Is this a real friendship… or a “back burner” relationship? You know, someone you're keeping warm just in case?

Let’s be honest:
You know.
And even deeper down... you know you know.

“She’s cool, she thinks I’m cool, how fun is that… we go out, get a little tipsy, kiss... but that won’t happen again.”

Yeah. Right.

Even if nothing physical has happened (yet), emotional affairs almost always pave the way. And even if they don’t—if your emotional investment is shifting away from your partner—something is already off.

FYI: You can’t serve two masters.

No matter how you slice it, if you're emotionally pouring yourself into someone else, there’s a leak in your primary relationship. And leaks don’t fix themselves.

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So… How DO You Know If Your Partner Is Cheating?

Here are some classic signs:

• Increased secrecy (changing passwords, guarded phone use)

• Unexplained absences or sketchy details about where they’ve been

• A decline in physical intimacy or a sudden spike that feels performative

• Emotional distance—they’re there, but not there

• Sudden changes in routine—workouts, late nights, new hobbies they don’t share with you

But here’s where it gets deeper:

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Why Do People Cheat?

Let’s talk about the why for a minute.

I know—algorithms aren’t romantic.
But let’s be real: cheating isn’t exactly sexy either. So here’s your human algorithm:

We all have basic needs:

• Good food

• Good sex

• Enough sleep

• Emotional intimacy

But sometimes those needs conflict.
To experience true intimacy, you have to give up some of your self-gratifying behaviors. That means boundaries, commitment, and choosing connection over impulse.

And here’s the core truth:

• If someone values self-gratification more than intimacy, they won't sacrifice.

• If they value intimacy more than gratification, they will.

It’s really that simple.
Picture a scale. On one side: self-gratification. On the other: intimacy.
Where that scale tips? That’s what someone is prioritizing.

Final Thought: Cheating Isn’t Always About Sex. It’s About Disconnection.

When someone cheats, what they’re really doing is looking for something they feel they’ve lost—within themselves, or within the relationship. But instead of confronting that loss, they escape it.

And here’s the truth:
Cheating doesn’t start in the bedroom.
It starts in the distance.
In the conversations that didn’t happen.
In the resentment that went unspoken.
In the glance that stopped lingering.
In the quiet forgetting of each other.

If you’re reading this and feeling that gut twist—not because of what someone else is doing, but because of what you might be avoiding—it’s not too late.

Ask the hard questions.
Have the uncomfortable conversation.
Reconnect. Or, if needed, walk away with clarity and courage.

Whatever you do—don’t pretend not to know what you already know.

Because trust doesn’t just break.
It bends, and bends, until the moment it finally snaps. Make sure you’re not holding the scissors.

 

Love Bites is a weekly segment with Lifestyle Coach Francesca Luca - it airs on The South Shore's Morning News every Wednesday morning at 9:10. Sponsored by Meineke 

You can text in your question on the 95.9 WATD Text Line at 781-837-4900, feel free to request anonymity 

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